Franchisors Scramble to Honor Queen at Kentucky Derby

LOUISVILLE, Kent. (SATIRE) - Elizabeth II, Queen of the Sixteen Sovereign States and the Commonwealth Realms, visits Louisville, Kentucky today. She is attending the Kentucky Derby at Churchill Downs on Saturday after her arrival in America to celebrate the 400th anniversary of the English settlement of Jamestown in Virginia.

The British monarch explains the detour to the races in Louisville. "We, the Queen, wear hats and outfits every day that reflect the spirit of the derby. So when we come to the New World, this is where we want to spend our weekends, with those who will appreciate such attire, especially my new pastel purple hat with the blue feathers from Marks & Spencer. We are also pleased that you have preserved and honored the Sport of Kings (horse racing) so well, even here in Kentucky."

In the tradition of giving gifts to royalty, local franchisor Papa John's took the opportunity to honor the Queen, who turned eighty last month, by giving her free pizza for life. Papa John's CEO, Nigel Travis, British, commented, "Whenever her majesty comes to Louisville, she is more than welcome to all the pizza she can eat. She just needs to remember, no take-aways (doggy-bags) please."

Kentucky spirits maker Diageo gave the queen a full barrel of 80-proof Crown Royal whiskey to put her in good moods for a long time.

This generous gift sparked her husband the Duke of Edinburgh to wax philosophical about their trip. "There always is a built-in friction with our arrival in America. On the one hand, Americans welcome us because of their affection for the British people. On the other, there is a deep dislike of the institution of the monarchy, where it is largely seen as an undemocratic anachronism. Americans are so extreme in their principles. So we pragmatic royals have found it best to take the more novel approach of having our politicians conduct symbolic matters of state here instead of the monarchy. But once in a while, we do need to come out and inspect the grounds. We see from your actions that we may have been in error in judging the colonies -- uh, I mean the United States. Providing not just a bottle but a whole barrel of fine Kentucky grog more than proves your understanding and appreciation of the monarchy. We are genuinely moved, aren't we, my darling?"

"Whooohooo!" replied the Queen.

Yum Brands, franchisor of Pizza Hut, KFC, Taco Bell and other fast-food brands, is the sponsor of the races at Churchill Downs. The firm is considering how to one-up their cross-town competitor, Papa John's. "We'd like to present a statue of horses with our logo on the bottom so that when the Queen and her subjects look at horses, they'll think yum," said a company spokesperson.

The Queen has a rigorous schedule. Thursday and Friday she participates in negotiations at Colonial Williamsburg, Virginia to collect 231 years of colonial back taxes that the monarchy asserts is owed to the crown. On the weekend, she is scheduled to wave regally to crowds, an action that takes considerable training. This will be followed by a state dinner in Washington, D.C. on Monday. Franchise chain Denny's restaurants had considered sponsoring and catering the Washington event, but could not comment for security reasons.