According to The Onion, President Obama will deliver a two-hour speech explaining the moral and philosophical underpinnings for granting clemency to Cranberry, 2010's Thanksgiving turkey. However, Republican leaders have refused to cooperate with the President's pardon in what they call "a typical bleeding-heart liberal maneuver."

Restaurant chains assert that they do not expect the presidential speech or pardon to impact turkey sales. "We expect a robust Thanksgiving," said Teddy Fowler, CEO of Golden Corral, a chain of 376 franchised buffets and 103 company-owned locations that will open and serve turkey Thanksgiving day.

"Fowler is no friend to fowl," interjects Maria Riser, chairman of EATA (Eaters Advocating Turkey Abstinence). "Americans should eat a plant-based diet on Thanksgiving. It's better for them and it's better for the turkey," she declares. To set a good example, she plans to go to the buffet and eat a large garden salad and two slices of pumpkin pie.

Chief marketing officer Andy Baraga of Papa John's thinks the President sets a good example that Americans may want to follow. "Who wants to watch a game eating turkey with its accompanying plate, knife and fork? What kind of sports food is that?" says the pizza marketer. "Order a cheese pizza and spare the turkeys."